Hurpy Ner Yur!

Happy New Year's, everybody!
I feel like this is really going to be my year, and I mean that in the most cliché way possible. The reason for this is that I'm going to get all my resolutions DOWN. I'm going to be the most accomplished girl in my entire bedroom.


Here is my list, in no particular order:
1. Eat food every day, on at least two separate occasions. 
2. Remember how to spell "occassions" "ocassions" "occasions."
3. Wake up on December 22nd.
4. Exercise for at least two minutes a day.
5. Stop consuming so much caffeine. 
6. Use relative terms to your own advantage more often.
7. Read some books, sometimes.
8. Be less of a bitch.
9. Stop cursing so goddamn much.
10. Write at least five posts for this blog.




I'm already doing pretty well on a few of these, so I can really see myself sticking with them.


I've never made any new year's resolutions, ever, so I feel kind of crazy starting out with such difficult goals. I believe in myself, though. 


The energy I get from consuming food should cancel out the energy I lose from not consuming as much caffeine as I'm used to, so I should still be able to focus on not telling people to shut the fuck up while I read a book and run on the tread mill.

So 2012 is going to be my year. I guess it can be your year, too, but you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. And good luck doing that because I'm going to be so fit and positive and alive on December 22nd, that you might as well not even try. There will only be ten days left in the year, so what is the point, really? 


I'd work on sharing more, but there's just not room on my list. I wanted to keep it simple at ten items, and all the others are so important. So, yea. Sorry.

Presents!

The Holidays are only about two months away, and that means it's time to bother your friends and family for a bunch of stuff you'll probably never use again.

If you can't think of anything, you are in luck! I've put together a list of the tools that are apparently all you need for some particular skills and hobbies. These are great because you could potentially make back the cost of your gift and buy the friend who bought it for you a cup of coffee or something else fancy.

You're welcome.

Photographer
- SLR camera
- Fisheye lens
- Black and white filter
- Photoshop
- A Flickr account
- A Facebook page for your photography skillz. This one is essential (Maybe even more so than the SLR camera. We all have phones, amirite?) because it will help you book jobs like your mom's best friend's wedding, and your dad's cousin's dog's birthday.

T-shirt Designer
- MS Paint
- A Threadless account


Hair Stylist
- A pair of children's craft scissors
- A comb
- The internet

Fashion Model
- Every season of America's Next Top Model on DVD.
- A face

Artist (lyk with paint)
- Paint
- A canvas
- Paint brushes (This one is actually optional! You could always use your         hands, or even your face or butt)
- An Etsy account

Writer
- Notebook (As in a small laptop)
- A black beret
- A black turtle neck
- $500 Starbucks gift card

Singer
- Karaoke Revolution  
- A webcam
- A Youtube account

Blogger
- A computer
-The internet

BONUS!!!

 How to earn the title "Genius"

-Acquire a solved Rubik's Cube and show it to everyone you know. 





I hope this helps everyone!

"I'm going to kill you."

Since the first time I took a standardized test I knew that when one person coughs in a quiet room, everyone does.

When that first person coughs, who is genuinely in possession of an irritated throat, almost every other person in the room realizes that Wow, my throat is also full of phlegm. HACKHACKHACKRRRGRGRGRRRGGGRLLLLLLL SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF.
The number of people whose throats are clogged gradually increases every five or so seconds.

At first its just one person. Then it's three. Then it's six. Then it's ten. Then it's twenty. Then it's sixty.

And then I want everyone to die.


I don't know why this happens. I also don't know if it has an official name, so I will just call it "Why Are You Doing That? Please Stop Living."


This phenomenon is seriously distracting. Chemistry is already incredibly boring, so how am I supposed to pay attention when there are seventy people in the room "HACKHACKHACKBLLLARGHRRGRGG"ing every two seconds? How am I supposed to not cry loudly in protest?

I'll tell you how I'm supposed to not do that!

Well, I'm not supposed to pay attention.

I'll tell you how I'm supposed to distract myself from sobbing into my notebook!
By drawing pictures like this:

 

Yes, I drew that.
With my own hands.
Can you believe it?

Probably not.

And yes, I am the only one in my class with hair.


Anyway, I also distract myself by fantasizing about tossing hundreds of cough drops into the air in all directions, in hopes they will fall into those terrible people's open mouths, asphyxiating at least all of them.


If this sounds violent and hateful to you, you've obviously never experienced Why Are You Doing That? Please Stop Living. You are welcome to attend my chemistry class any Tuesday or Thursday. Perhaps we can share tips on holding back tears of both rage and despair. Perhaps we can take turns whispering "I'm going to kill you," to the people nearest to us who are participating in this horrible event.

Perhaps we can leave early and get some tea.

Whaaaaaat

Remember when I said I'd have more things to write about when school started?

Well, I was wrong!

Everything's as boring as usual!

My days now consist of waking up at around 11 AM, getting to the bus stop by 11:30, going to class for an hour and fifteen minutes, maybe stopping by The Florida Review to do stuff, then riding the bus back to my apartment. I then sit in my apartment, maybe I clean sometimes, maybe I occasionally open a textbook or do some homework, but most of my time is spent avoiding things I have to do.

But! I don't do things that would prevent me from maybe doing the things I need to do, if I did feel like doing them.
For example, I don't like to read books when I have homework to do because it would be difficult for me to put down the great book and do homework, but it would be easy for me to stop looking at memebase and do homework. If I wanted to.

I never want to, though.

If that doesn't make sense to you, it's probably because you're not hugely lazy and weird like me.
Congratulations!

Anywho, I dislike responsibility! And deadlines!


When I have more than four assignments due a week, I get nervous and stressed out.
I'll have to spend at least five hours doing school work in only one week, and that is too much! How will I live? How will I find time to sit around, procrastinating? What will my sims do without me? What if there's a re-run of How I Met Your Mother on TV that I haven't seen yet? Will this work over-load KILL ME?

I unintentionally devote most of my time to worrying about how I will get the assignments done, rather than spending that time actually doing them. This results in last-minute online quiz-taking, and very little, to no (most often no) studying. 


In fact, I have an exam tomorrow in Communications1000 (I have no idea if that's what it's actually called) and I've read, maybe, one out of the four chapters I will be tested on. I am positive that I will spend the night frantically speed-reading in hopes that I will absorb enough information to not fail. There will be tears, harsh words will be said to the textbook ("Oh REALLY, textbook? Because I don't CARE ABOUT THAT. I hate you!"), and things will probably be thrown. The night will end with me declaring "I'm not going to remember what I read when I'm tired anyway, so I might as well go to sleep," and then I will spend three hours watching television. 


Also! I have a midterm exam in Chemistry in early October that I should absolutely be studying for already, but chemistry is stupid and I hate it.

The end!



By the way, the title of this post has nothing to do with the post itself. Hurray!
(Other than Whaaaaaat is up with the spacing in this post? I don't even)

Unemployed Again

Remember when I said I had a job?
Well, I don't anymore.


That was a temporary job, and really only for the textbook season at the bookstore at school ("Textbook season" is about three weeks. During orientation, the training lady made it seem like even the temps would be staying until mid-October. I definitely would have applied to places already if I knew it would last for 1/3 the amount of time I had planned). I could have been hired as a seasonal employee, but I wasn't. Why? Well, I don't know because the email that let me know I would no longer be working for them was like "Don't ask why you were not hired as a seasonal employee." Which is super awesome. I love not knowing how or why I failed.

The way I found out I no longer have a job is pretty awesome too.

The weekly schedule is sent out every Wednesday, and this Wednesday's email said that if you're not on the schedule, with or without a shift, you are not being considered for a seasonal position.

I was not on the schedule.

The email said that maybe the reason people weren't hired is that their availability isn't what the bookstore needed, but that's not good enough for me. Especially since I'm not even allowed to ask.

It does kind of make sense to me, though. They hire about thirty temporary employees, and keep maybe five or ten of those. They don't want twenty or twenty-five people coming to the store and bothering them about why they were essentially fired, and honestly the managers probably wouldn't even recognize those people.

But at least a personalized email would have been nice. Not just a mass "Look fer ur name! If it's not there, we dont want u lol."

It made me feel like a not-person.

And the dumbest part of this all is that I was scheduled for today. I was supposed to work four and a half hours, after I learned that I am unwanted.

It's like if your boyfriend dumped you right before a movie and said "Don't even ask why. You knew I was seeing other people and that I probably wasn't looking for commitment," then asked you to stay and keep him company during the movie.

And you really wanted to see that movie, so you stayed, but you didn't put effort into talking to him or giving a shit.

The movie is money, and the not giving a shit and not putting in effort are the same in both situations.



I went to work because I want money, and also because I was just raised to be considerate and generally do what is asked of me.
I didn't put in effort, though.
I was pretty slow, and when people were rude to me I was like "K?" because what were they going to do? Complain and get me fired. LOLAIGHT.

It really just doesn't make much sense to me that they let me know I wasn't going to be employed there anymore, but expected me to work and be good at it.



ANYYWAAAY.

This middle-aged lady tried to buy a textbook with her husband's credit/debit card. You can't use someone else's card when they're not there, because how the hell do I really know you're his wife? Or maybe you are his wife, but he never said you could use it.
So no.

(SIDE NOTE. Someone's roommate used their card to buy $1000-ish worth of textbooks from the bookstore at school, so he could sell them to buy drugs. Forril.  The druggy even had the guy's ID, but apparently they didn't even look alike. The guy whose card got stolen came in and complained and the bookstore was like "OH SORRY.")


I told the lady that she could use the ATM outside, if she knew his pin, and get cash to pay for the book because whatever they do outside the store has nothing to do with us.


Lady: NO! I'm not going to pay $5 to use the ATM!

Me: Yea, that is annoying that it costs so much.
 [Actually I think it's $3, but whatevss]



Lady: Well I have a test tomorrow.

Me: I'm sorry, I can't let you use it unless he's here.

Lady: The OTHER bookstore let me use his card.

Me: They're not supposed to....

Lady: Fine. I'll just fail my test then!

Me: Sorry...

Lady: [Stomps off because she's a dumb brat who would apparently rather fail a test than spend $5 to use an ATM] You just lost a $200 sale!

Me: I don't care...


She didn't hear that last part because she had already stomped out of earshot.
I wouldn't have cared if she did, though.
It would have been awesome if I got reprimanded by a manager, so I could say "Fire me, then."


Other than being generally slow, wandering around sometimes, and just not giving much of a shit, I was a good employee. My drawer was off by one cent, and I'm pretty sure that's just because some fell on the floor when I was trying to get them out of the roll.

I cleaned up, asked if there was anything else to do, and got my bag checked before I left.

And I didn't even tell that fat, rude cashier that she's fat, rude, and shouldn't be wearing capris because they highlight her cankles.

THE POINT: I'm a pretty awesome employee, so whoever made the decision can go punch themselves in the butt.

THE END.

First day of my Sophomore year of college...

was STUPID.

The only kind good thing about today was that my math professor (actually I think she's a T.A.) seems really nice, and the class seems really easy. BUT. For half the class I had to pee so badly that I would have left, if I had sat in the back.

OH, AND NOW IT'S GONNA RAIN.


I'm probably going to yell at some stranger today because they do something like accidentally step on the back of my flipflop.

"WOW, I HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO BUY ME NEW SHOES BECAUSE YOU JUST DEFILED THEM WITH YOUR SHOE, YOU DISGUSTING SWINE."

When I'm angry I sometimes demand people buy me things.

I worked from 7:30 to 11:30 and that was mostly pleasant. I didn't even get one annoying customer telling me that the bundled price is less than the books separate, but we're out of the bundled package and WHAT THAT'S SO WRONG HOW COULD YOU BE OUT WHEN SCHOOL'S SO SOON. IT'S NOT LIKE PEOPLE PROBABLY BOUGHT THOSE BECAUSE THEY GOT HERE EARLY BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT IDIOTS.

So that was nice.

I came home from class and was going to watch something on Netflix, only to discover that it's not streamable on my computer. Oh, but I could watch it on a Netflix enabled PHONE, or an IPAD, so that's cool. Because I have those.

At first I was pissed because I PAY FOR THAT NETFLIX, and it doesn't even WORK.

But then I remembered that I don't pay for that Netflix.

I thought I had a meeting from 3:30 to 5 for The Florida Review today, but I DON'T. So I took the stupid, hot bus to campus and walked in the hotness, and climbed eighty stairs and almost DIED, only to discover that the meeting is tomorrow.

I came home on the stupid hot bus, walked to my car, and drove the the main office in my apartment complex to get a form to defer my rent until I get financial aid. There are about ten sets of speed bumps on the way there, and every time my car goes over one of those speed bumps, or turns slightly, it makes a horrible popping sound that make me feel physically ill.

After I got the form, I drove around and around the complex, looking for the gate that opens up to the little set of stores that has the Subway in it. When I got there (approximately five sets of speed bumps later), the gate was locked. I wanted to kill every one in the entire world.

But I DIDN'T, because I'm NICE.

I can't park in the parking lot of the set of stores because there's a Moe's there, and oh my GAAWD it's Moe's Mondays, so you can save two dollars or some shit on a burrito, and every one in the entire world needs to get a freaking burrito so badly that they'll park on the SIDEWALK to do so.

When I got home, subless and angry, I checked the status of a package I ordered about a week ago. Now, when I went to the mail center earlier today, the angry little mail center man was like "NO YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING." And I was like :(

But according to the USPS website, my package was delivered at 10:11 AM.

I almost walked over there and punched that liar right in his face, but then I remembered that it's hot, and I'm lazy, and I wouldn't do that ANYWAY.


I have to go back to the bookstore to return my books that I ordered online, and buy them BACK, so I can use my 20% discount or whatever. I don't even know if that's going to work, since I used financial aid to buy them, and I don't think that it's magically automatically refunded to my account when I return something.
If it doesn't work, though, someone is going to get punched, or ordered to buy something for me.


I would make a fantastic diva.

The Help

I want to see that movie.
So I ordered the book.
That makes sense, right?


Today I did things that mostly consisted of sitting in Jason's car while he drove, and we both yelled things like "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT, YOU BIG STUPID IDIOT? DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?"  
The answer is no, I don't think most people do know how to drive.


Last Saturday, when I was staying at my mom's house, I went to a hookah bar for the very first time with some friends. 

When we got to the "bar" there was only one spot in the whole parking lot that was for five establishments. Unfortunately, this spot was in the very back, right across from a garbage can that probably had a dead body in it. Not wanting to get car jacked, or raped, we drove to the Walmart across the street and parked there, waiting for the others to arrive so we could all walk to our destination together.


Once inside I was instantly hit by a wall of smoke and not-good music, but it was cold inside and hot outside, and I see these people maybe once a month so I was going to endure the atmosphere.

We picked two tables next to a giant fountain that had bubbles in it, for some reason, and ordered some sort of flavor hookah that I don't remember. To me they're all just tablets of firedeath, anyway. I ordered a Pepsi even though it was $2 because I was out on the town and wanted to live a little. Also I was pretty sure I was going to be murdered that night when walking back to the car, so what was $2, really?


Half an hour or so after sitting down, we were served our beverages, and almost immediately after that half our group left. One of them had work at nine in the morning, they said, but actually I believe they just wanted to leave before the scary rapist criminals left their holes and vans with blacked-out windows. 


Fearing for our lives, since the two boys left our group and only four of us girls remained, we asked the server (I use that term lightly because I know what a good server is, and she was poop) if she could just cancel our order because we wanted to leave.

"Oh, you leave now? But why...? It is right here," she said, pointing somewhere behind her. Really, though, I believe she was lying and hadn't even set it up or told anyone we'd ordered it at all.

Us being polite ladies, we told her alright. We would wait.

Fifteen minutes later she brought it out.

After waiting forty-five minutes plus, I expected some magical contraption to come out, so I was disappointed when a regular-old hookah pipe thingy was placed on our table. It was kind of teal-colored, but other than that it was boring. It wasn't even at all sparkly. I rubbed it a little bit, even, and there was no genie.

Everyone else was smoking, and initially I was going to try some because sometimes I like to be impulsive and do things I usually wouldn't, but that's how my hair ends up brown. Most importantly, though, I'm allergic to smoke. I bet you're thinking "THEN WHY'D YOU GO TO A  HOOKAH  BAR, STUPID?" Well! I'm allergic to cats, but I can be around one and hold one. I just can't rub it on my face or inhale its dander.  
There's also the thing about how tobacco is bad for you, and even though there's not nicotine in hookah, it's still not good for your body. So, really guiz, stop saying "IT'S NOT NICOTINE IT'S OKAY." No, it's not. Stfu.
I'm destroying my body enough by drinking soda and eating fresh fruits and vegetables maybe once a week.

After they finished, or got bored, I don't know, we walked to the car as fast as we could, keys in hand, ready to stab an attacker at any moment! Ahha!
 
We weren't attacked, though, and we all made it home alive, unraped.
 
Success!

NOTE: Don't you legally have to be eighteen years old to do hookah? Because that lady didn't card any of us, and some of us look like children. This contributed to the shadiness.


BAI.