Happy LOL You're Alone Day!

       SURPRISE! THERE'S A SHIT TON OF PROFANITY IN THIS UP IN THIS BITCH.

       Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and you know what that means! If you're in a relationship, you'll probably be receiving some generic stuffed animal and required "love making." If you're single, you'll probably be receiving some "Happy Valentine's Day!" texts from friends who don't know how to check your relationship status on your Facebook. And if you get drunk, you might wake up the next morning to "YOU'RE HIDEOUS AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU," written on your bathroom mirror in red lipstick.

       If you're alone (LOLLOLOLOL) like me, try to remember this: You're saving yourself at least $15 worth of candy, and at least five minutes worth of card writing time. That's a success, if I've ever seen one. And I have.

       Here are some tips for getting through Valentine's Day as a single gal:
1. Don't give a fuck. That's what I do. Every day of my life.
2. Hang out with a single, female friend, go to the movies to see a romantic comedy, and scream "THIS MOVIE IS FEEDING YOU LIIEEESSSSSSS!" Also, don't give a fuck.
3. Get drunk. But not too drunk. See the first paragraph of this post.
4. Tell yourself that Valentine's Day is a "fake holiday made up by the greeting card and candy companies."
5. Fly a kite (I don't know. I'm just hoping it'll be windy tomorrow. I like kites).
6. Cake your face with makeup, sit in the tub with the water running, and cry your face off. Still, though, don't give a fuck.
7. Remember how much money you're saving. At least a dollar, probably. That's a lot. We're in a recession, people.
8. Write terrible poetry on your bedroom walls in crayon. Or your own blood. Whatever works for you.
9. If you see anyone holding any flowers, at all, rip them from that person's hands and stomp on them. If you can't be happy, NO ONE CAN.
10. Give yourself a manicure. Your cuticles have been looking terrible lately. How are you supposed to get a date with hands like that? No wonder you're single.


      These tips should help you out a lot. Even if you're a guy, you can probably use them. Especially the kite-flying one. And instead of caking your face with makeup, just put a lot of product in your hair, and cry in the shower.

       You're welcome!